Day 1:
I was up at 2:30 excited to jump out of bed. I also had a lot to do to get Kael and I ready to leave by 4:15 and still have my wits about me. I’m the type of person who (if I have too much to do) can get overwhelmed and my frustration comes out as anger at people who don’t necessarily deserve it. That said, I had my mind set to NOT do that today. And looking back, I think I did pretty darn good if I do say so myself.
We got to the airport around 5 and then met Andi and Faith with a new $200 suitcase to replace the totes that apparently we couldn’t bring into the country. But we handled it in stride and got through security unscathed.
Ironically, my American Airlines status is officially GOLD and Kael and I were upgraded to first class on our flight to Miami. In truth, I was a little embarrassed by this. While the rest of the team was sitting together in coach, Kael and I were living it up in first class. I made sure to let him know that this was not the norm, and I wanted him to think about how good we had it when we got to Honduras and saw how most people actually live. I know he doesn’t get it yet, but then again, how could he?
Our second flight was uneventful and we landed in Honduras nestled into the mountains and prepared ourselves for what was to be a 3 hour drive, but ended up 5 hours. We had to take a detour due to traffic and the scenic route was well worth it. The mountains, the vegetation, the striations in the rocks, the tiny homes and farms curated by people who took care and time to make them as beautiful as they could with whatever they could get their hands on. This juxtaposition between what we have and what they have was not by accident. God wanted us to see it. He wanted us to see what is possible with less.
I found it interesting that throughout the landscape there are billboards with Bible verses, all in Spanish of course. But really, they are everywhere. Some stand alone and some painted on rock. There was one that stood out to me as we passed a more impressive homestead, John 14:6–”I am the way, the truth and the life.“
As I sit writing this today, at 5AM before the rest of the group has woken up—I am flooded with the realization that people just want hope. “Esperanza” as they say in Spanish. No matter where we come from, no matter how much money we have, no matter the circumstances, no matter the education level, no matter the country and home and family we are born into—esperanza gives us the will for today and the will for tomorrow. It’s our shared heartbeat across all our differences. Hope is our common language.
Ironically, I started reading “The Alchemist” today and have been floored by the parallels to thoughts and things that have been running around in my mind this past week. One of which is the idea of speaking in tongues. If I’m being honest, I simply don’t get it. And I struggle when I hear people at church talking gibberish. If I can’t understand you and no one else can understand you, what the heck is the point? What are you really doing? Who is behind it??
They talk about this exact thing in “The Alchemist.” How we have a shared language. This has been happening a lot lately. God talks to me through repetition of thoughts and Scripture. I had the thought the other day that speaking in tongues, may actually mean meeting people where they are and speaking in a way they can absorb. Not to sound smart, or ordained or special—but to sound familiar and safe and loving and hope giving.
In the book, Coehlo writes, “When he had gone only a short distance, he realized that, while they were erecting the stall, one of them had spoken Arabic and the other Spanish.
And they had understood each other perfectly well.
“There must be a language that doesn’t depend on words, the boy thought. I’ve already had that experience with my sheep, and now it’s happening with people.”
It’s happening with people here too. In their smiles, in their laughter, in their hugs and small gestures. People just want to know they are loved, they are safe and they have hope in something bigger and better than their toughest days. There is only one source of that, and He is everywhere if you are willing to look, listen and humble yourself.
Day 2:
I finally slept.
Last night was exactly what I needed. We had a long and amazing day, but saying I was exhausted would be an understatement. The enemy knows my weaknesses and he uses them if I’m not careful to call them out myself. One of which is exhaustion.
After a long day of playing with the kids in the gym and watching my son (who made me so extremely proud), the enemy was just waiting to throw my attention off of the work God was doing at Emmanuel and in both of us. A broken toe from barefoot indoor soccer and a community of ants that had moved into Kael’s book bag was the perfect opportunity to throw me into a tailspin of frustration. And I owned that 15 minutes like it was my job.
This morning, the devotional that was created for us spoke to exactly that. It wasn’t by accident and it humbled me and centered me and prepared my heart to write and read and soak in the day.
So, back to yesterday—and all the good stuff:
It rained most of the morning, but a group of us took a walk over to the farm to see the animals. What we didn’t know at the time is that the farm is funded completely separate from the rest of the property. And 33 years ago, there were only two buildings here. Now there are 48.
The farm comprises about 10 buildings. Cows, sheep, pigs, horses, chickens, a handful of greenhouses, an abandoned tilapia farm, a mechanic shop, slaughter house and a few other facilities. It’s been blessed with times of abundance, but as Alexander shared with us, the post-COVID era here has left them with some needs. Specifically, beef cows and someone to help reenergize the tilapia farming. Food. Something I never think about, is something people in Honduras do without every single day.
Around 9:30 we headed down to the gym to play with the medianas. We had 20+ girls ages 6-11 to play with. This was clearly part of God’s plan for setting my perspective for the day. All I could think about was Tenley.
What I learned later was that in Honduras, young girls are not safe. Many get pregnant and have no one to turn to when their babies are born. The culture is “muy masculino” and the expectation and pride that men take to provide for their families is a direct reflection of their masculinity. Because Honduras is a third-world country—opportunity to thrive is few and far between. So, many men abandon their wives and children and the government comes in to take them. There are 200 orphanages in Honduras. All with children that were left behind.
What if Tenley felt that she wasn’t wanted. How must these little girls feel?
That realization set the tone for the rest of the day. We played with the girls for about 2 hours and I was WIPED out. Soccer, board games, Spikeball and some fun games Andi had prepared for us. I’m looking forward to playing with the girls again later this week.
After lunch, we had the “little big boys” followed by the “bigs.” Kael and I were both in our element. We played a game where we placed tape on everyone’s back and had to run around in an effort to be the last person with tape on our back. I had every intention of working out when I was here. Well, be careful what you wish for. We were all sweaty and tired, but our hearts were full and our smiles were big. Kael’s especially.
Later in the afternoon, the moms circled up with our kiddos and reflected on how proud we were of them. I can’t wait to see what God does the rest of the week!
Day 3:
After church this morning, we had some free time to serve as our heart led. A group of us broke into two and spent some time with both the special needs girls and the mothers and toddlers.
Kael and I went down to the toddler area. As soon as we got there the little ones swarmed us. Their desire for love and affection was overwhelming. There were about 20 children and 5 mothers ages 13ish-18. One of the little girls-Clara-who was 4–was extremely bright and seemed to serve as the “older sister” to the younger ones. Another little boy, Mateo and his mom, Christy spent quite a bit of time with Kael and me.
Christy and I had a sweet moment to talk. I told her that I was a single mom too, and I know how hard it can be. “We have good days and bad days,” I told her. “But God is a God who sees us. He knows exactly how we feel and he will never leave us. We are never alone.”
When Kael and I left, we passed the playground for the littles and the walls were painted with scripture and inspirational quotes. “How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers.” -Mother Theresa
I simply cannot fathom having to give my children up—for whatever the reason. But that is the norm here. Honduras is a dangerous country, run by a corrupt group of Socialists. There is no middle class. 4% of people are wealthy, the rest can barely make ends meet. As I wrote yesterday, men are set up for failure and when they cannot provide for their families, they abandon them. The mothers are left to find another husband, and when they do find one, those men refuse to raise their kids, so they are left in the streets, or dropped off at an orphanage. And not all orphanages are created equal. In fact, according to a source working at Emmanuel a government official who oversees all the orphanages in Honduras was just arrested for sex trafficking of children.
Emmanuel, is the only orphanage in Honduras with a space for mothers and babies as well as special-needs children. It’s also the only place in all of Honduras with a vocational school built in an attempt to equip these children to earn a good and honest living doing a job that pays well and can support their families. Both boys and girls learn woodworking, furniture making, welding, electrical engineering and other trades. Their first class of students was interrupted by COVID and they are slowly rebuilding with the hopes of graduating 10-13 students in 2024.
Alongside the vocational program started by a missionary named Mike (now 72) 10 years ago, his wife-Karen—who was a licensed counselor–begun a program for young mothers helping them to nurture and care for their babies. The innate bonding that American mothers are encouraged to express and explore, is understandably a struggle for these young girls and that leads to reprocussions for their children as they grow. Many of the kids, even though they are loved and cared for, never experience that deep connection with a parent that lends itself to neuropathways that cultivate feelings of true love, safety and belonging. Arguably, three of the things humans desire the most. Instead, these children learn to keep a safe distance, lacking trust and anticipating that the people they love will leave.
Each night, Andi asks us to reflect on our day and one of the themes that continues to run through my mind is Americans are NOT immune. You don’t have to come to Honduras to see this. We have just gotten really adept at hiding these realities, turning a blind eye, or worse– ignoring the obvious when it’s staring us right in the face. There is a big part of me that wants to say simply, “Shame on us.”
That said, God is not shaming us. Instead, He is patiently waiting for each of us to recognize what gifts we are given to then turn around and use them to help others. My prayer for you is that you would take inventory of your gifts and find a way to use them. That you wouldn’t hold them for yourself. That you would look for opportunities to show people they matter, they are loved, they are safe and there is hope.
Day 4:
Yesterday was Monday. Time moves differently here and my brain has not caught up the way it normally does. That said, remembering what we did yesterday is a bit of a blur.
We woke up early to have our first meal with the kids in the dining hall. Here they wake up around 4:30, thoroughly clean their buildings, make their beds, dress for the day and are ready for desayuno at 5:45. This morning’s breakfast was porridge, a mixture of sweet warm milk and some sort of grain. Most of the team struggled with the texture and taste, but for those of us whose moms made them “Cream of Wheat” in the 80s—it felt a little bit like home. Why am I suddenly hungry right now???
After breakfast, we were split into groups to work where needed. I had my heart set on working in the greenhouses to clean up the vegetable beds, but Alexander asked for my help to supervise Kael, Abby and Aubrey who were preparing an apartment for Karen—the young lady who cares for the grandiocitas. The apartment had been painted (later to find that it was not to Lydia’s standards) and there was equipment, dust and dirt EVERYWHERE. We got to work and had the place clean enough for additional work later this week. After that, we all met back at the team house for a little bit of downtime and then lunch again in the food hall.
In the afternoon, we had the little girls for an hour in the gym. We played “pata, pata, gonso,” “la luz rojo, la luz verde,” and then Heidi read them a book about a polar bear who lost his father, but found support in the most unexpected places with the most unexpected friends. The kids snuggled up to us during the story and I connected with one of them named Dayana.
Andi had asked some of us to teach a Bible study to the grandiocitas about how God created us with a purpose. And for all of our differences, we are more alike in many ways. I spent about 30 minutes preparing and while I was doing so, a song came to mind. I Googled the chords and decided to play it for the girls after the lesson.
The team walked down to the girl’s yard and we sat in an open air shelter house. During the lesson, I described many of the ways we were different and then explored some of the ways we may be similar. We might worry, we might feel afraid, we might get our feelings hurt, we might feel alone. But what God says about who we are is what is most important. We are chosen, loved, honored, and holy. God predestined us for adoption as sons and daughters through Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:5). “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10).
After the lesson, I played a song for the girls on the guitar that had been provided for me. As I was finishing, one of the other women with us told me to look at one of the little girls–Ana. Ana and I had struggled with the language barrier earlier in the week when I had asked another girl to translate for me and tell Ana I thought she was “silly.” Whatever I had told her, was NOT well received. Ana physically recoiled from me and although I tried to explain, she could not understand and was not receptive. However, after the music stopped, Ana had crocodile tears in her eyes and without saying a word, I knew she was telling me “I see you” and I saw her too. But more than that, God saw us. The way He provided music to transcend language was not lost on me and it was such an incredible moment of clarity and peace.
Day 5:
I woke up this morning around 4 and willed myself to go back to sleep.
The kids were out of school yesterday, so we were able to flex and spend time with quite a few of them. We headed to the toddler and baby houses in the morning and Kael and I played for about an hour. The moms had put on a couple movies, to include “The Little Mermaid” in Spanish. Kael pushed around a few of the kiddos on Big Wheels and I got a great video of him with Marbella as she laughed.
Next the special needs girls came down to the gym and played. Lots of smiles, laughter and hugs and even some serious competition as we played a game with the beach ball. Towards the end of our time, I sat down with a 27-year-old . She is non-verbal and unable to walk on her own—but will with help. She loved hitting a balloon back and forth and feeling the pages of the book that I read to her, “Perro Grande y Perro Pequeno.” When it was time to leave, I asked the house leader if she needed help walking her back to the house. She said yes, and we walked her over to wash hands. Although, she is non-verbal, Ninoska does laugh and indicate her emotions with some sounds, one of which is a low growl. As we were walking back, she continued to repeat the word—“Peña.” I had to look it up, but essentially she was expressing sadness or embarrassment or disappointment. I think what breaks my heart more than anything is the fact that many of us would look at someone like Ninoska and assume she doesn’t FEEL like the rest of us. And in truth, we would be horribly mistaken. Whatever was the cause of her sorrow, it was real for her just as it is for anyone else.
After our time with the girls, I had a moment where I started to feel really sick and ended up napping right after lunch until about 2:45 and missed the time with the little boys (which I was super bummed about). But as Kael reminded me last night, I “needed rest” and so rest I took to be able to spend time with the big girls and staff for spa night.
Spa night was really special. Naomi and Heidi had brought homemade hand scrub and Color Street nail polish strips so we could exfoliate the girl’s hands and then give them manicures. I had gone to Bath and Body Works and picked out some body creams for them to take home. At first everyone was a little hesitant, but after a few stepped up, everyone was eager to get a hand massage and figure out the manicure strips. At the end of the evening, Faith asked is she could play some Disney music she had in Spanish and we listened to the girls sing to Coco and Moana. Then Faith taught us a dance to a Lecrae song to which I happily obliged and things got a little LOUD for 9PM at night. Andi warned us that we might get into trouble, so we packed up for the evening, but the girls pulled Faith and I aside and quietly whispered, “tomorrow…!”
Day 6:
Today was a work day. And it came with a lot of firsts. Alexander took us down in the gator to the farm and asked us to clean up the weeds and beds that were empty. We got to work and I put Kael and Jayden (a volunteer here) up to turning over the soil in the unused beds to prepare them for new plants. After we were finished, we decided to take two old beds on the outside of the greenhouse and plant a couple rose bushes and other native flowering plants. Alexander asked us to come back on Thursday to organize the second greenhouse and the tables and potted plants. I’m really excited to do that today!
We finished at about 11 and then came up for lunch. At 1, Mindy, Heidi and I went to the chicken house to help gather eggs and see the 600 chickens they have here. I am going to be honest, I had no idea what to expect, but I was NOT disappointed. The amount of eggs was incredible and I got to hold a chicken. I also had a chicken peck my ankle bracelets. Fun and slightly terrifying at the same time.
We went to the gym to play with the mediana girls and it was a blast. I really have bonded with a lot of them; Samantha, Ana, Britani, Kimberli and Sophia. We played soccer and then I sat and let Samantha read a couple books to me. She did a fantastic job!
After playing with the medianas, we came back and got all dressed up for church. Andi preached about plants and rocks. She talked about how life is hard outside of the orphanage, but that God and the truth that He loves us can always root us. Andi had worked and lived at Orphanage Emmanuel for 4-years. In her sermon, she spoke about how God had always provided for her. Amidst loss. Amidst suffering. Amidst challenging financial situations. And finally, when her dream to be a mother was unattainable from a health issue. God provided the opportunity for her to work and serve the children at Emmanuel–who quickly became “her own.” Such a beautiful testimony to how He always knows exactly what we need and if we trust in Him, he will provide in some of the most creative and loving ways.
Day 7: El Dia Final
The kids know we are leaving tomorrow. All of them. From the smallest to the biggest. Some of them used it to their advantage. All week they have been testing our resolve to see who would crack first and take them to la tienda for treats. I remember as a little girl going to visit my great-grandmother and grandfather in Centralia, IL. There was a little corner store near their home and it was so fun to walk over with so many choices to eat and drink. But it was my parents that would give me the money to go get what I wanted, and it was my parents that I came back to. The reality here is that tomorrow we will be gone and the kids will be waiting for the next group of volunteers to do the same.
Today was also another work day. I have been wanting to buy a greenhouse and spend my winters propagating plants and preparing for warmer and sunnier and happier months. I started eyeballing one just a month or so ago. Today, I got a little taste of what that would look like. Alexander asked us to clean and organize the 2nd greenhouse and I had a vision for it. The team either trusted me or felt they had no other choice. Either way, it took us a little over an hour, a lot of heavy lifting and dirt dumping, but we did it. And it looked amazing! The new greenhouse is a place to be proud of. And with the avocado, papaya, cilantro and other plants, it’s a place that will help feed the kids here for years to come.
After working, we had the rest of the day to visit some of the yards and play with our new friends before leaving tomorrow. We also had the mediano boys for a while in the gym. Like I said, they knew we were leaving. Many wanted hugs and snacks and some asked for us to write letters. “When you go bye-bye, don’t forget about me” a few of them said.
I took Dayana to the store and we bought her a snack and some for her friends. Then I grabbed Genoese, Raquel and another girl. And then Naomi and I bought a bunch of chips and “churros” for the mediana girls so I got to say my first goodbye to Britani, Ana, Sophia, Neely and Kimberli. As I write this, I’m listening to them waking up in their house and getting ready for the day (it’s 4:30AM by the way). I’m going to try and sneak a hug from all of them before breakfast.
At the end of the day, Andi asked us to do another Bible study with the high school girls. Elvia was teaching them and they were reciting a chapter in the Bible when we found them over by the chosa. Elvia is tough and she makes sure you know it. In fact, she didn’t even acknowledge our existence for about 10 minutes. So we grabbed a seat a comfortable distance away from the group and waited.
Heidi, our usual translator wasn’t with us at the time, and finally Elvia yelled, “Hey.” Basically, code for “What do you want?” I tried to explain that I had prepared a Bible study and some music for them but didn’t have a translator. She didn’t much seem to care and I suggested we start with some music. So, I got the guitar out and started to play. When I was done, Elvia offered up one of the girls to help translate the Bible verse I was going to read. There was some confusion, so Elvia decided to read along with me.
The message I had prepared was the same as the first, but a little more direct since they were older. I told them I knew we were different. I was from the States. I had a job. My skin and hair wasn’t the same color. I grew up knowing and living in the same house with my parents. And then I told them all the ways we might be similar. I am a single mom. I worry about what tomorrow will bring. I worry about my kids and my friends. I’ve struggled with depression. I’ve felt alone. And I’ve been both molested and raped three times. Elvia’s countenance and tone changed dramatically as she translated that.
“But God…” I said.
He didn’t leave me there. He surrounded me with people who He knew would help carry the load for me when it was too much to bare, and point me back to the love of Jesus when I felt anything but. I told them that the things He has done in my life in the last 4-years can only be proof that He exists and that He loves me so very much. That in God’s eyes, I am His child, I am loved, I am holy, I am washed white and I’m never alone and neither are they.
I mentioned in an earlier journal entry, that I’m reading a book called “The Alchemist.” I am also reading a book called, “Braiding Sweetgrass.” The author is a botanist and a Native American and the book is a compilation of essays about plants and true knowledge that defies what we “can know” through basic scientific processes. It’s a book about how the earth speaks and reveals itself to us. How it wants to be known—intimately.
God’s design was systematic and incredibly thoughtful. We are connected to the earth and we should be in awe of its splendor, its intricacy, its perfect replication a million times over. And God wants us to recognize that. The lessons we learn in nature are more than applicable to humanity and yesterday was a sweet reminder of that.
In “Braiding Sweetgrass,” Robin Wall clarifies for us that while purple and yellow seem like opposing colors, when placed side-by-side reveal something greater. They are instead, complimentary. When put together, “they are more vivid; just a touch of one will bring out the other.”
This morning, as I prepare to say goodbye to my new friends, I choose to remember how we are more alike than different, and how God designed friendship as a way to bring out our true colors. Simply put, we are more beautiful side-by-side.
Love and Light,
Ev