Thursday before the first appointment with my plastic surgeon, I went to visit my hair stylist—Jess—who I have seen for 14-years. She is conveniently located down the road from my cancer center. I had had two rough nights struggling with sleep and anxiety, my eyes puffy from tears. I sat down in the chair and shared the weight that was on my heart and as always, she just let me talk.
Towards the end of our time together, she shared with me that she has a client who claimed to have the gift of prayer. So much so, that she gets called to lay hands on people and pray. During a difficult time in Jess’s life filled with physical pain and uncertainty, her client had given her a silver medallion with the Mother Mary on it. The woman had taken this medallion on her travels to visit many religious relics and believed that it could hold powers of comfort and healing. It served as a reminder for Jess to connect and pray with God when she was feeling uneasy.
Jess walked over to her purse and handed me the medallion. “I want you to have this,” she said. With tears in my eyes, I hugged her and thanked her. “I’m just going to borrow it,” I said. “I look forward to the day I can give it back to you.”
As I was preparing to leave, I told Jess the day of my surgery. “March 20th.,” I told her. “And I’ll be overnight if you get bored and want to come visit me,” I winked.
Jess went to put the date in her calendar and looked up at me with an astonished smile. “I only have one person scheduled that day for an appointment. Ironically, it’s the same woman who gave me this medallion.”
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After receiving the medallion, I opened my Bible study booklet the next morning to a healing story in 2 Kings about Naaman that I hadn’t remembered. He was the powerful commander of the Syrian army who was also a leper and was told of a healer in Israel named Elisha. Naaman goes to him with a letter from the King and the prophet Elisha tells him to wash seven times in the Jordan River. Naaman is frustrated, believing that the instructions are unnecessary. He questions the process. But, in a moment of desperation decides to oblige and is healed.
I have been desperate for a second opinion over the past few weeks. I have not been impressed with my care at our cancer center and meeting the plastic surgeon on Thursday served to make me even more uncomfortable with the go-forward plan. When dealing with experts, it’s easy to forget that they don’t have all the answers and even easier to question your intuition when second guessing them.
Something about the way I’ve been treated throughout the past 8 months has made me feel like a lab rat and not a human. I have longed for someone to see me as a person and show compassion for this whole terrifying experience. As the plastic surgeon pulled out her measuring tools to determine what her plan would be to reconstruct breasts that would make me “look normal” again, I felt invisible.
“I don’t want to do ANY of this!” I thought to myself. “Why the hell is it so hard for you to act like you actually care?”
When she was done, I asked to see before and after photos from other patients and she answered that she didn’t have any. She suggested I do genetic testing, to which I replied “No thank you,” and then she scheduled me for a referral anyway. She all but ignored my mother in the room, said her team would schedule me for a pre-op appointment and closed the door. Again, I felt unseen and unheard.
“No thank you.”
I haven’t loved social media for many reasons, but in my moment of desperation yesterday, I reached out on a support group and shared my concerns for my current path forward. I made sure to explain I was located in Columbus, OH. Within an hour, I received a message from a young mom in Columbus, OH too, who had been diagnosed with DCIS the week after me and struggled to feel unheard and unseen in another large hospital system here in town. She chose to research a private option and was led to a plastic surgeon who paired her with a surgical oncologist and she could not stop praising them for their compassion during this difficult time. I started researching immediately and found his practice showered with 5-star reviews. One of them reads,
“Life as I knew it changed on February 6, 2015 with a diagnosis of breast cancer. But the bright spot in all of this has been your work to return my body back to a normal appearance… I am thankful for your compassion and understanding. I am thankful that you were able to share a little about what your wife experienced. And I am thankful for the fabulous work you do! May God richly bless you and your family and your practice.”
An answered prayer.
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Friends, we are not alone in our struggles. We are not abandoned in the desert. I can’t go as far to say it’s the medallion that made the difference, but I can point to God. I do trust that he has opened this door of hope and healing for me at precisely the right time. I do believe that because he created me, he knows how I process difficult news. He knows that I’m analytical and needed time to weigh my options. I do believe that the medallion was a reminder to trust in his ability to heal and provide the best path. It was a call to lean on him and trust the small voice in my head that told me something just wasn’t right. It was evidence that he’s been with me all along.
To the God who sees me, I’m sorry for doubting you. I’m sorry I’ve tried to do this all myself. I’m sorry I’ve been angry. I’m sorry I’ve been too scared to put it in your hands. Your plan is good. And IT IS for me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Love and light,
Ev
“Behold, I know that there is no God in all the earth but in Israel.”
2 Kings 5:15