I never thought I’d get divorced.
I know most people say that. When we get married, we say it’s “forever.” We feel like it’s “forever.” We promise that it’s “forever” in front of God, in front of our families and friends and in front of the one we speak our vows to.
“Til death do us part.”
My parents set an incredible example. Don’t get me wrong, they made their fair share of mistakes and they would gladly tell you that. They have spent days in separate rooms of the house just to have space. They drive each other nuts on a daily basis (and me, for that matter. LOL!). But they honor and love each other better than most.
I always thought their example would be enough for me to emulate that in my own marriage. And I’d like to think that for 12-years, I did put aside my needs and wants much of the time in an effort to be a good wife for my husband. I would hope he would look back and say the same. But it wasn’t enough. Love just wasn’t enough.
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The day my ex-husband moved out, he had friends help him during the day and I made sure I wasn’t in the house to watch it. In the evening, he came back with his truck to say goodbye to the kids. When he drove away, my son, who was 8 at the time ran across the yard and begged him to come back. Even today, I can’t bear to replay that memory in my head. I’m not sure I knew what it felt like for my heart to break until that very moment and it’s something I never want to feel again.
That night was the first night for the three of us. Our new version of family. Crying and snuggling in my bed, I thought to myself, “What the hell have I done?” I wish I could say that the pain faded quickly and the new normal settled in for all of us, but it didn’t. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” The three of us wrestled with this in our own ways for months, and, if I’m being honest, still wrestle from time-to-time today.
Divorce is the death of something. And the grief and healing isn’t linear. One day you feel strong, and the next something happens that feels like a punch to the gut. But, you have to take it day-to-day because you don’t have a choice. The wheel keeps turning.
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That was almost exactly 4-years ago today and a lot has changed since. My kids—now 13 and almost 8—and I have found our stride. We have our way of “doing” that is unique to us; a common heartbeat and rhythm that feels safe and predictable with a little adventure thrown in there. I remember our first vacation together. After COVID, I rented a last minute Airbnb north of Traverse City, Michigan. I had planned for my parents to drive up and surprise us, which I HIGHLY recommend. Grandparents have such a special bond with their grandchildren and it’s a beautiful thing to witness (that’s a post for another day). On the drive, I had to pull over a few times because I was simply panicking. There is something about feeling out-of-control emotionally around your kids, but unable to show it. On our way, we stopped in Frankenmuth, MI. The kids thought we were there for “the Christmas.” Little did they know, I just needed to breathe and pray to God for strength.
As a single parent, I’ve been intentional about creating new lasting memories and putting our own unique stamp on things. We’ve taken old traditions and made new ones. We’ve embraced the experience of two different and very blessed households and we do our best to be grateful even when the balance feels difficult or we are met with new challenges. That vacation was the first of our adventures and on that trip I started calling us “The Three Musketeers.” It’s stuck ever since. The last 4-years have been an incredible blessing to me and the kids and I have grown so closely. I am their safe place, and they are mine.
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I think somewhere in my heart I knew it wouldn’t always be this way. Once the three of us did the work of healing and working through the consequences of divorce, God would surely open room for more. I’m happy to say that day has come and the introduction honestly couldn’t have gone any better. It felt anointed. It felt safe. And my cheeks hurt from smiling and watching my kids just be kids with new friends.
And as the man I love and his daughter walked up to our car before heading into the trampoline park yesterday, I looked at my two and told them—“Hey, we’ll always be the three musketeers. I promise you with my whole heart—that will never, ever change.”
Love and light,
Ev
Wheel by John Mayer People have the right to fly And will when it gets compromised Their hearts say "Move along" Their minds say "Gotcha heart" Let's move it along Let's move it along And airports See it all the time Where someone's last goodbye Blends in with someone's sigh 'Cause someone's coming home In hand a single rose And that's the way this wheel keeps working now That's the way this wheel keeps working now And I won't be the last No I won't be the last, To love her You can't build a house of leaves And live like it's an evergreen It's just a season thing It's just this thing that seasons do And that's the way this wheel keeps working now That's the way this wheel keeps working now And you won't be the first No you won't be the first To love me You can find me, if you ever want again I'll be around the bend I'll be around the bend I'll be around, I'll be around And if you never stop when you wave goodbye You just might find if you give it time You will wave hello again You just might wave hello again And that's the way this wheel keeps working now That's the way this wheel keeps working now You can't love too much, one part of it You can't love too much, one part of it You can't love too much, one part of it You can't love too much, one part of it I believe (You can't love too much, one part of it) That my life's gonna see (You can't love too much, one part of it) The love I give (You can't love too much, one part of it) Return to me (You can't love too much, one part of it) I believe (You can't love too much, one part of it) That my life's gonna see (You can't love too much, one part of it) The love I give, return to me I believe, that my life's gonna see The love I give Return to me